THE Question to Ask Yourself to Find Out Why You Don’t Have What You Want

Several years ago, in one of my coaching trainings, I learned a very valuable question that gives some profound info on why you don’t have what you want…yet.  In a nutshell, if nothing was holding you back or blocking you from getting what you want, you’d already have it. Yup, that’s how the universe works. If you really want something and clear all blocks that keep you from having it, you get it.

Sounds simple enough but can be quite challenging.  Problem is, so many of the blocks to getting what we want are unconscious.  And it’s hard to overcome obstacles we aren’t even aware of.


Often when we want something, we don’t realize that in order to get it we have to let go of something we’re attached to.  An example would be wanting a new relationship but being afraid of the freedom we may have to give up when we have it i.e. not having to check in with anyone, being able to make out with whomever you want, getting to bitch with your other single girlfriends that all the good ones are taken (you get the picture).  If unconsciously, you’re attached to doing these things or having these freedoms, they’ll keep you from getting the relationship you want.

Some other examples I’ve heard from clients are:

  • I want a lot more money.  I’d have to release my identity of being a starving artist and the belief that money is the root of all evil.
  • I want a full time housekeeper.  I’d have to let go of some of my valued privacy if someone’s around cleaning all the time.
  • I want to be a successful musician.  I’d have to let go of being able to walk around in the real world without always being bombarded by fans, not to mention the privacy of not having all my personal problems spelled out in the tabloids every week.

A recent example from my life is, I want to be 100% location independent meaning I can do my work from anywhere in the world and travel at the drop of a hat whenever I feel like it.  When I asked myself the question, “what might I have to let go of that I value?” the answer was clear. I’d have to stop teaching equipment based Pilates sessions and doing body work as both of these require me to be physically present with my clients.  Having to be physically present ties me to a location and therefore equals no location independence.

When I first realized this, it made me kind of sad.  I love working one-on-one with my clients in person, helping them transform their movement patterns and release pain through manual therapy.  It’s been an incredible gift and I truly value all of the wonderful relationships I’ve built with my clients along the way.

Yet, I’m well aware that in order to live life on our terms, we sometimes have to make sacrifices.  It’s that whole, not being able to have your cake and eat it thing (I know, I know, but sometimes annoying clichés get the point across).  When we choose to do one thing we’re simultaneously choosing not to do many other things.  Like when you decide to go on a beach vacation in South East Asia, you’re also deciding not to go skiing in the Alps.  Although I really value working one-on-one in person with my clients, I’m willing to let that part of my work go to realize my dreams of being completely location independent and catering to the whims of my free spirited, authentic, freedom loving self, not to mention being able to move to different locations without always having to build up a brand new client base.

I’d like to add a caveat that just because we believe we have to let go of something specific to get what we want, doesn’t necessarily make it true.  Usually the biggest subconscious fear of what we have to let go of to get what we want has to do with 3 immensely important human needs: love, safety and belonging.  These needs are huge subconscious drivers of our behaviors and actions.  For example, someone might believe that if they’re really successful, they’ll no longer belong with their loved ones who’ve always struggled with money and success.  The struggle is part of what keeps them connected, crazy as it may seem.

Unless this subconscious fear is exposed and truly examined, that person will never have the money and success they want.  They’ll always choose belonging over money because not belonging equals death (at least to our hunter/gatherer ancestors). Somehow this belief stayed with us over millions of years of evolution and the need is so strong that we’ll self sabotage in whatever way necessary to maintain belonging (provided we subconsciously believe it’s threatened).

So ask yourself “what might I have to let go of that I value in order to get what I want?”  Is that really true or is that an outmoded belief that no longer serves me?  If it’s true, am I willing to make that sacrifice?  And if it’s not, what can I do to change that belief. (If it’s the later, I can help, click here to find out how).

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and if it’s sparked any insight on what might be keeping you from having what you want.  Please comment below to share.

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